utterly pointless

Started writing a list today of the things that customers do that piss me off. Will complete it in a few days. Will post here.

Best thing ever happened today. Found my new favourite cereal. God must love me at the moment. Can't remember what its called but it's basically coffee flavoured wheat flakes. Sooooo goood. It's been so long since I've found a cereal I like.This is the shizzle. Dick Hubbard is a freakin genius, someone give that man a medal please. He just made my day in the middle of Christmas, which is huge, takes a lot to make my day right now...

That's it. I'm now gonna devote a serious amount of energy into leaving this town. I really can't be here any more. D has a new man. I don't wanna be fearful that every time I walk around a corner I'm gonna bump into them. Don't want that at all. My home town ruined, well, the closest thing I had to a home town anyway. Don't think I'll be able to come back for a while either. Not till I'm different somehow, I've grown. How far away? I don't now. But I know I'm out. One way or another.

Well, its been a while. I think too little lately, been consumed by my hate for the mindless consumer and I was/am getting depressed. Not good. Shouldn't dwell. I think I'm allergic to Christmas. I've been unwell lately and this happens every Christmas. I'll be fine after, in fact, I'll become a genuinely nice person to know, one of those "he's a really NICE guy" kind of guys. Dammit.

Hate being the NICE guy. The nice guys never get the girls. It's true.

I'm gonna ring D. Decided to break this no contact thing because I'm developing an unjustified bitterness towards her. It's not fair on her really. But I'll wait till I'm in a good mood and I feel I have something to talk about, or she'll tell me about all the good stuff going on in her life and I'll just end up coming out of the conversation more depressed. Maybe I should wait till after Christmas then. Hmmm. Dunno. We'll see.

I wish I had something more exciting and insightful to post. I don't.

Saw D in the supermarket the other day. With a guy. I started shaking, trembling, I almost choked. I couldn't even think what I came in to get. So I just grabbed something, and got out. She saw me and I made a weak little smile. It was all I could manage. I looked away.

I don't think I can see her ever again. It's too hard. Granted, the guy she was with was probably just a friend, maybe, whatever, I don't know or care, the simple fact is, up until that moment, I could believe she didn't exist. That she wasn't real. Now she's real again, and the pain I so successfully hid from came back. Then and there, in the supermarket. I almost panicked/ran/fainted. I'm so soft. Such a victim.

Why do I have to go through all this. I feel like I'm being punished for a crime I didn't commit. Guilty without trial. Why can't I just expunge these feelings. I don't even want to be back with her. But it still hurts to see her. Bitch. For even existing. That's harsh I know, and unjustified. But life's never fair so get over it.

Damn. Damn being a goddamn sensitive new age guy. Damn being open with my feelings. You only get hurt. I need a meaningless relationship now. Someone who I can spend time with, be intimate, but not get too close. I need to put someone between me and D. I need to leave my town. It has to happen. The time is near.

I'm a Natural Born Sucker. Just watched Van Wilder. Loved it. Stereotypical American formulaic movie. Just the thing my rational mind detests. But it was so good, it picked me up and carried me away, I surrendered my soul for the duration of the film. It took me on the now classic rollercoaster forlmla that Hollywood does so well. Damn stupid Hollywood films. Sold on the dream again. Why do I put myself through it over and over again. It's not true, it never was. But it gives me hope. So silly. Grow up already.

Saw a patch of oven cleaner on the kitchen floor today. After interrogating Flatmate M, it was found out that, yes, he had found another cockroach, also that said cockroach had emanated from the box of tea bags. Now i don't normally drink tea, but today we had run out of coffee and I had to have a caffine fix, so I had two cups of tea. And when does my charming flatmate choose to inform me that I have potentially consumed a family of unborn roaches? Exactly at the same time I'm tearing a large chunk out of my flame grilled whopper with cheese. Bastard. That man is crazy I swear.

Well well well. Another pointless post. At least I'm living up to the supposed nature of this blog that the title implies, even though it is so much more...

Felt rather apathetic today. Was very hung over. Staff Christmas Do. I guess Christmas does have some good points. Not enough though to make up for the crap I have to put up with at work. I get to see the ugly side of people. The Mindless Consumer Attacks. Seeking vindication of last year's not quite as good presents. Stupid people. I respect those families who abstain from splashing out on presents, or those who have Christmas two days after everyone else so they can buy their present in the Boxing day sales.

Had enough. Will complain more tomorrow.

I really don't feel that I have much to say right now. So this post is just for the sake of it. An update maybe. Haven't seen/spoken/texted D for hmmmm, over two weeks now. It's strange, those powerful feelings that I was having still whilst we were still in contact seem to have diminished now, not gone, but in comparison a lot less overwhelming. Almost underwhelming now. Still need more time tho, I think I'll send her a Christmas present, but I don't think I'll contact her yet, I know we've been invited to the same New Years party so maybe I'll see her there.

On another note, found a cockraoch in the kitchen. Those little critters freak the living out of me. Flatmate M took it upon himself (as the token alpha male of the household) to destroy and maim this evil creature, with whatever tools of destruction we had on hand, which of course, turned out to be Mr Muscle Oven Kleen. Worked. One cockroach down, too many to go. But really, oven cleaner? I think I'm living with a madman...

Had a very interesting day yesterday. I've been seeking fuel for my bitterness. I found it in my work. The Christmas Resentment that I always develop whenever I'm working in retail at this time of year. It's not Christmas I resent. It's people. Mindless Consumers. I would understand if these people respected the thin premise that Christmas is based upon, ie: the whole birth of Jesus thing. But they don't. They don't tell their children that either. WTF? I can't handle it.

I just wanna ask people when they buy stuff, why? Do you really need it? I can imagine the response.

Christmas is a farce. No offense to all the godfearing people out there, but, it really is just a mechanism for driving sales. Any spiritual symbolism that Christmas once had has been thoroughly rinsed out by the capitalist machine, in the pursuit to squeeze every last available dollar out of our pockets.

It's strange but I like being depressed about stuff that's completely beyond my control. I like to be aware. Yesterday for the first time in about five months I felt sad/angry/depressed/bitter about things that I can't change. It's a way of detaching myself from reality I guess, by immersing myself in a reality that doesn't really exist to me except through the media. Think globally act locally. Got the first part. What can I do from here though? Really.

Nice to be feeling for stuff other than lament over D. I feel my old self returning. I like it. I didn't realize how far I'd been till yesterday, how far I still have to go...

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgur disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated and to never complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget." - Arundhati Roy, The end of Imagination.