utterly pointless

So. Been doing serious geek stuff today. Nice. Good to not think and just do. Drove past her house today. She was home. Soooo wanted to visit. But didn't. Flatmates advised against it. It's in the rules apparantly. Been 12 days now since last contact with the D. Getting easier. Or less harder anyway...

Hey there Holly. Always good to see someone else join the blogging community.weirs hollie?You're gonna have to work on your content though.

Hurt bad today. I was doing fine till this afternoon. Was almost in a happy mood. Almost. Then someone told me they saw her. D. Today, at her new job. It all came back. I thought it was all gone that I had succesfully dealt with things, that the pain was lessining, not so. A flood. Emotions. Too much, trying to deal with customers at work whilst trying to qwell the bubbling fury/anger/lonliness/pain. Just put up my walls and detach myself from reality. It's all I can do.

Have just made two reasonable posts. Didn't save them. Fatal error. For whatever reason they didn't publish. Not impressed. Sorry, but i can't revisit those thoughts again right now. Maybe tomorrow.

Revealing your innermost thoughts. Hard. Something I need to overcome. I know I've been over this before. But I still struggle with it. Problem being that I have revealed the presence of this blog to many people I know in the real world. So the question I guess is how much am I really prepared to let people know?

I could spill all that goes on in my head. Then I imagine, I would probably have to recruit a whole new bunch of friends, find a new job, and do some serious groundwork with my parents. Again. Not something I want to have to do right now. My mind is too fragile. I am still in love with a girl that, really when I analyze things with my head, is probably no good for me. Or is she? Maybe I'm just telling myself that to ease the pain of not being with her anymore.

I would say this girl was my first true love. Sure I've liked plenty of girls before, I've lusted after them, gone out with, dumped and treated badly many women before. For that I'm sorry. I know now what a complete arse I've been. Fool. I went out to do all the things I told myself I would never do. Why? Don't know.

So I meet this girl. Fall in love. Fast. Hit me like a hurricane. Didn't pay attention to the weather forecast. My friends all warned me, saw it coming, the storm, worst part is I have seen others do it previously, and resented them for doing it. Couldn't understand why. Why do they fall in love with these women who treat them so bad, make them come and go at their beck and call, defend them ruthlessly, never seeing how their own worlds have been manipulated. Hold yourself back I used to say. Take a break, review things.

Then who walks into the exact same trap? Why is love like a drug, completely blinding you to how its destroying your life? I had plans before I met this girl. Firm solid gonna do something with my life plans. Film director, scriptwriter, editor. Something cool. Then I lost focus, consumed by my passion for her. All I could think of was when am I gonna see her next, how can we spend more time together, where can we be alone, how much can I spend on her, what can we do together this weekend, should I call her now or later, maybe I should text, no I'll just call, texting takes too long, maybe I'll just pop in and see her, but what if she's busy? And so on.

So maybe now I'm beginning to see why she is no good for me. It's not HER. It's my passion for her. She made me lose my grip on reality, ignore my friends, my parents, forget what I wanted to do with my future. I changed. She fell in love with the me she met before I became consumed. The focused gonna do something with my life and be really cool and famous and rich kinda person. My potential. Which changed by being with her. I started to plan around having her in my life. Thinking, I should do this or that so we can do these things together. I envisioned spending the rest of my life with her and that that on it's own would be enough, it wouldn't matter. Nothing else mattered. I put her on a pedestal.

inevitably she let me down. We had the talk. She gave her reasons. I still feel she doesn't really understand what happened. And that irritates me. So much. She went cold. That's it. I didn't see the signs. I'm no relationship guru. Could tell you how to fail a relationship sure. Not how to keep one alive. She is the first person I have ever felt was worth the effort.

I can see why she grew to resent me. If someone fell in love with me and started changing their life plans based on us being together, irreversibly changing their lifes direction it would freak me out. I would be scared. Horrified in fact. There is no way in hell I am worthy of allowing someone to change their life entirely because of me. I would immediately feel claustrophobic. I would want out straight away. Probably would struggle to even talk to her. Start losing respect for her.

This is why I feel we fell apart. I can only see this in retrospect, though, and I feel, that even knowing this at the time would have been of no help. When you are consumed with love, it really takes over. It took me ridiculously high. Too high. So high I couldn't see what why feet were doing. I lost my direction. Then she fell out of love. It's that simple. The fall was hard. Hurt lots.

I think I will always be scarred. The analogy that best applies here, is that I feel like an amputee. One of my limbs has been removed. But I can still feel it there. My brain hasn't caught up with the simple fact it just isn't there. And when I look to where it should be and it isn't there. It causes pain. Again and again. Over and over. And unless I keep myself occupied, busying myself, distracting myself from myself, books, movies, tv, video games, whatever, I look in the direction of the missing limb again, and again the pain comes back.

Now I don't really honestly know if I'll ever fall in love with someone to that depth again. I'm sure I'll fall in love again sure. I doubt I'll ever have that kind of love again though. Too dangerous. Like a child with a gun. Should have never been allowed. Which makes me wonder... Is this something we all need to go through?

Hmmm. Not happy with myself for posting when drunk. Could delete it but I feel I should leave it to serve as a reminder. Weather has matched my mood today, murky. Yes I'm seeing the world today through the haze of a hangover. Not too bad though, considering. Tequila worked a treat. Played with fire for the first time in ages. Oh yeah. love playing with the fire... had to stop though when I realisied I was too drunk. Silly boy. I'm getting some photos done so you all can have a peek at the Samster at his peak.

Would really really really like to write something thought provoking right now. But can't. Sorry. Next time. Maybe.

Too drunk too be posting right now. I Know I shouldnt bvut i cant yhelp nyself.... yup d3efinatl;y oo dtr87nk too post qcant evenv seen then keyboarde... must stop now; flatwarming goood. had lots of fun. memorable3. oswort of... toofop drunjki now wuill telll moer4en later//

It's Two Coffee Day today. Worked till midnight last night, couldn't sleep when I got home so I stayed up watching a trashy movie on telly, which felt sinfully good until it finished half an hour later, so I went back to the reliable old xbox.

However I am approaching the end of the game, Knights of the Old Republic, epic Star Wars game, It has taken me the better part of a month to chip away at this game, and I think I'm going to be despondent when I finish it. Nearing the end now, I don't know what I'm gonna do after this, is there life after video games? Someone told me there was once but I never believe things until I've had first hand experience of them.

Certainly there is life sure, but can it provide the always there for you companionship, the soft radiation glow, the complete immersion of your concentration that an xbox can? I don't think so. Who needs reality! Pseudo-reality is so much better. It never lets you down, breaks your heart, runs away, manipulates you.

Till you finish your game of course. Damn. Was a nice illusion while it lasted. Gonna have to face reality someday.

Does anyone reading this blog think I'm seriously twisted? Or are these ramblings sounding all to familiar?

Big geeky woohoo! Got comments at the end of each post! Course I lost all of your quality comments. Sorry about that folks, but life is about change right? You either embrace it and accept it or you get left behind. It's that simple.

So your gonna have to make up for all the missing comments by being extra kind to old Sammy C, and commenting ruthlessly on this wonderful site to boost my deflated ego. Savvy?

I feel hollow and shallow. This blogging thing is nothing but a farce. I was hoping it would provide me with a forum to reveal my innermost thoughts, to come clean to the world, to confess. But I still guard myself, so much, I talk about almost everything going on in my head to anyone that cares to listen, like a hyped up schoolgirl, but I can't bring myself to do it on a semi anonyomous blog. Thats crazy. Insane even. In fact I'm sure I suffer some sort of rare personality disorder. I don't think like the rest of mass society i'm sure, yet I still enjoy being immersed in it, constantly analysing people and their sheep-like mentalities, despising them secretly for it, but at the same time adhering to the same rules they follow. I am aware of the self-destructive patterns I trap myself in. I don't seem to have the willpower to break these patterns on my own. Thats freakin weird. Why have the intelligence to see how screwed the world is without being giving the tools to fix it? It's depressing. Sometimes I wish I was a sheep. Blinded by mass culture, marketing, media. Noise. it's my curse, and shall plague me until I do something about it. The time is nearing, I can feel it now...

Hello again. Have decided to reunite myself with the cruel world. Slowly pugging back in to the matrix... Been through alot in the past few days. M&D move to Taradale today. Gonna have to get used to them not being around, again. So you'll excuse me if i've been slack on the old blog, but I just haven't had the time or energy really.

Almost finished kotor, woohoo! Although i think i'm going to feel rather despondent when it's all over, as it has served to fill a gap in my life. So sad... Starting to watch tv again, but it's actually quite hard, still don't like the influence it has on people...

nuff said. later.

So. I went and saw it. The Film That Had To Be Seen. Did I like it? Well i'm glad I saw it, let's put it that way alright? Still processing the data at the moment, think i'm gonna have to see it again, tho i'll probably wait for the dvd or dodgy internet download, whichever comes my way first. Can see why a lot of people were not as satisfied with it as they felt they should have been. Really you have to hand it to the Wachowskis. I hope those guys go on to do Big Things in the cinematic world.

Glad I can reattach to the virtual world somewhat now. Been avoiding most media since thursday for fear of spoilers...

Yes I am still on a self imposed media ban at the moment, although that seems to have changed into more of a "diet" than a ban. Oops. Still haven't seen the news for about three weeks now. But people fill you in if anything significant has occoured, and no-one has advised me of any major world events that i should be keeping an eye on, so i assume the usual perpetual war stuff is still going on. Or maybe no-one in Whakatane gives a damn....

Giving up for now on the whole comments at the end of the post thing. I want it so bad but it just keeps denying me every time. Just like girls really. Story of my life. Woke up this morning at the completely ungodly hour of 6 am. What's that all about? I think my body is determined to keep a perpetual backlog of lack of sleep happening. For what Darwinian purpose I haven't the foggiest. Off to work now. Wish me luck, gonna try not to be cynical too much toady. Well less than normal anyway.

So. It appears that comments freaked and left the building. Not happy. Need to rectify situation.

Well. Few changes here at old u/p.com hope you like it. Made it as garish as i possibly could with my limited grasp of html. Counter is down the bottom now in case your wondering. Ditched harumskarum, seen as she has givin up, or so it seems. Added the shizzolater. Definatley worth doing. go there and put in this url. Hilarity. The Naki S will find it particularly funny. Recommend looking outside for ten minutes or so to enable your eyes to recover after reading this blog. Put comments at the end of each post now too. So comment dammit.

I figured out a way we could solve the third world debt problem. First of all we (as in the western so called "civilized" society") send millions maybe billions of dollars in aid and whopping amounts of human resource (as in people) to maybe 40-50 separate countries. At any given time. What I propose is we concentrate our aid and resources on one or two countries at a time, not completely withdrawing support of course from the other countries, do this for a few years. Rebuild their economies, train their own people to maintain these economies, then when they are in a position where they are repaying their debt at a greater rate than they are borrowing, they can contribute too the next two countries, creating a pyramid style scheme on a global basis. Of course America would not be happy about this as it would compromise their position as the worlds meanest bully, so this scheme has to be fast tracked, it has to rebuild countries at a rate faster than USA destroys countries. Which wont be easy. Sure there are some big holes in this plan but its a work in progress. Comments welcome.

So. I'm wondering if my work is sucking all the good thoughts out of my brain with some secret intelligence sucking type evil machine. Yes must be. I go to work and i'm full of brilliant ideas. I come home and i'm like duh man. Dullified. So i figure it's where the mega chain stores actually make their money, by installing specialised machines that suck the intelligence out of their staff, and the customers, hence making them buy stuff they don't really need. They collect all this intelligence somewhere ( i assume in massive silos in the Australian outback) and sell it off at outragousley expensive prices to the worlds true leaders; Bill Gates etc. Ensuring that their companies always maintain their monopolies, because their companies are always two steps ahead of the lawmakers.

Or maybe the air conditioning is just turned up too high.

Hey there people. It's been a while. I was in the early stages of blogdrawl suffering. But now I'm back! But i now suffering bloggers block, and I can't think of any brilliant sammerisims for you all to mull over, so i'll just tell ya all what i've been up to in the last few days. Boring. Right. So go read something else then. For those of you that have actually read this far i shall continue.

Moved house. Settled. Got net happening today. Obviously.

Finished Pattern Recognition by William Gibson. Loved it. Think it is one of the best novels i have read in a long time, up there with Cryptonomicon, though not to be compared with. The first novel I have read that really captures the essence of the world we live in today.

Saw Punch Drunk Love. Loved it. Alough the girls i watched it with didn't seem to like it. They were expecting an "Adam Sandler" film. which it wasn't (thank god). brilliant. nice visual style. Interesting angles and subtle effects. Stuff i notice.

Started reading the ubiquitous "Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus" by John Gray. Hmmm. Will reserve my opinion at this point.

Saw "The Locals" NZ low budget horror flick. Billed as an "Art House" film at Cinema 5 in Whakatane. So not art house, what the hell do they know? Any way I was not mislead as i was already aware of what the film was about, but it irks me when companies make awful generalisations like that, largely out of pure ignorance. That said and off my chest, liked it. See it. Support NZ cinema.

Oh and somewhere along the line i thought up a solution to third world debt, but i can't think of it right now. More later. Thank you and good night.